Saying Goodbye
by Hallie Black
Summary: Sitting in his dark cell in Azkaban, Sirius can’t help thinking about that day… The day James and Lily were killed.


SAYING GOODBYE

Summary: Sitting in his dark cell in Azkaban, Sirius can't help thinking about i that /i day… The day James and Lily were killed.

DISCLAIMER: I am not JKR and I do not own any of the characters or settings appearing in this story.

Sirius Black was sitting in his lone, dark cell in Azkaban. A Dementor had only just left, leaving a muddy-looking dish on the floor in front of him. Sirius supposed this had to be food, even if, needless to say, it looked like anything _but_ something edible.

Not that he was hungry, anyway. He felt miserable. Having Dementors swarm around his cell all day long didn't certainly help lessen the huge burden he carried: he knew it was his fault. Sirius Black knew it had been his damn fault if his best friend was dead at twenty-one. It was because of him that his wonderful wife, Lily, was gone, too, and that their one-year-old child was now completely alone in the whole wide world.

Oh, how he missed them! How he missed James, most of all… Sirius Black and James Potter had been best friends ever since they first laid eyes on each other. Then, when they were sixteen, they'd become more than friends: they'd become brothers. After Sirius had run away from home, that summer, he had gone to live with James, and the Potters had adopted him as a second son.

But all that was long gone, now. And it was all his fault. Or rather, not all his fault: it was mostly Peter's fault, really. Peter was the one who had sold his best friends to Lord Voldemort. But he, Sirius, had sold them to Peter. And what hurt him the most was that after 18 years as best friends and 5 years as brothers, he hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye to him.

And yet, as he sank to brood in his own self-despair, there was one single thought in his mind that kept him sane: Peter was going to have to pay. Sirius was going to make sure of that. He was going to pay for what he had done to James… to Lily… to Harry… and even to Sirius himself…

A rattling breath signaled the arrival of yet another Dementor, but Sirius didn't need to hear it to feel its presence. The air around him had gotten colder than usual… and a thought… a memory had come to his mind… a memory that was going to haunt him forever… the day James and Lily were killed.

That morning, Sirius had woken up rather early (for his standards, anyway). It was Halloween, the holiday Sirius loved above all others: he could never have enough of the pranking! It was the one day where scaring people out of their wits was not only allowed, but actually encouraged… what more could a Marauder want?

Of course, these weren't happy times for the Wizarding Community. Lord Voldemort was gaining more and more followers, and his countless victims multiplied by the hour. It was because of Lord Voldemort that Sirius was not going to spend Halloween with James: after having heard a terrible prophecy, the Dark Lord had set his mind on finding the Potters and killing their only son, Harry. To protect them, Dumbledore had had a wonderful idea: the Fidelius Charm, an enchantment due to which a secret was concealed inside one living soul.

James had, of course, immediately opted for him, Padfoot, but Sirius, feeling flattered at the complete trust his best friend had in him, had opposed with what he thought was going to be a brilliant idea.

_"Prongs," he had said, "I'm really honoured that you trust me so much to leave your and your family's lives in my hands, trust me, I do. But I think this plan would be way too obvious. I mean, Voldemort knows how friends we are, right? He knows you're bound to pick me, and he'll make sure to run after me. Wouldn't it be better if, you know, you chose someone else as Secret-Keeper instead of me? I dunno, maybe Peter…"_

"Peter?" James had asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not sure, Padfoot. I mean, I'm not saying I don't trust him or anything, but he doesn't really seem like the type who could keep a secret like that…"

"Exactly!" Sirius had exclaimed. "That's exactly what Voldemort will think! He'll run after me, and I'll be sure to get as far away from here as possible, so in the meantime Peter will be fine, he won't be put under any kind of pressure, and you'll be okay!"

James smiled. "Are you sure you want to do this, Padfoot?"

"Positive. Are you_ sure you wanna do this, Prongs?" asked Padfoot, grinning weakly back._

"Yeah."

"I don't think we should tell anyone else about this change…" Sirius closed his eyes. "Not even Remus. I know he's our friend and all, but Dumbledore says the spy has to be in one of the top circles of the Order… The less people know about it, the better off you'll be." 

And so they had agreed. Sirius really hoped he'd made the right decision. Despite his complete trust in the plan, he couldn't help feeling a little apprehensive about Peter having to keep such an important secret.

He sighed and got up. After a quick breakfast, he went to the living room and took out a handful of powder from the mantelpiece. He threw the Floo powder in the fireplace, and stuck his head in it, after murmuring his girlfriend's name.

Sirius found himself gazing at Helen Thomas's small study. He immediately noticed her working quietly at the table. "Helen?" he called out softly.

The girl jumped. "Oh, hi, Sirius, I didn't hear you Floo," she said, smiling. "How are you?"

"Knees slightly sore and ashes down my throat, but great apart from that," he answered.

"How nice of you to sacrifice yourself just to talk to me," said Helen, still smiling. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yeah," answered Sirius. "I was wondering whether you wanted to spend this amazing holiday at my side, my beautiful flower," he added, shaking his head to get his long black hair out of his eyes. "What say you?"

"I'd love to, Sirius," responded Helen, tossing her head, "but there's still some stuff I have to finish off before we go. Pick me up at two o'clock?"

"I'll be waiting," said Sirius. "And try not to be late…"

The young woman rolled her bright green eyes. "Listen who's talking! When have you _ever_ been on time?"

"Uh…" Hm. Good point. Sirius couldn't really find any response to this, so he nodded his head. "Right. I'll see you later, baby."

"Bye," she answered, smiling still.

Sirius spent the rest of the morning cleaning up the house. It wasn't something he did very often, actually, but if things with Helen went okay today, there was a good chance she might enter his flat, and he didn't want to trip over clothes and rubbish should this be the case.

Then, at around two, he went outside to see what he considered the most beautiful creature (yes, Sirius actually regarded it as alive) in the whole word: his motorcycle. This motorcycle was huge and shiny (it was the one thing Sirius polished at least twice a day), and he was rather fond of it: he'd bought it as soon as he'd gotten out of Hogwarts, four years ago, and had never been away from it for more than a couple of hours.

After a quick clean (yes, in some things, even Sirius could be a perfectionist), Sirius jumped on top of it and headed out to his girlfriend's house. He didn't even need to ring the doorbell: with the noise the motorcycle was making, by the time Sirius had gotten to the driveway Helen was already outside and ready.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" she asked.

"It's nice to see you, too, dear," answered Sirius.

Helen rolled her eyes. "Watch out where you're parking that motorbike, you know I'll kill you if you touch another one of my begonias!"

Sirius grinned. "Why do you always get so worked up for the little things, Hel? Look, I haven't even _seen_ your begonias!"

Helen rolled her eyes again. "That's because your stupid motorcycle is squashing them, Sirius."

Sirius's eyes widened. "Don't you dare call her 'stupid'!" he retorted hotly. "She's got feelings, you know…"

"Actually," said Helen, "I had no idea bikes had feelings–"

"She's not _any_ old bike!" interrupted Sirius.

"–but I always seem to forget how morbidly attached you are to it," she finished.

"Just look at her! How can you not be attracted to her? She's beautiful," said Sirius dreamily.

Helen raised her arms in front of him. "I thought you were dating _me_, not your bike."

Sirius grinned cockily. "I am. And I assure you I think you're even more gorgeous than she is."

"Thanks," answered Helen, blushing slightly. Then she frowned. "You _were_ talking to me, weren't you?"

Sirius laughed. "Of course I was! C'mon, get over here, I've got the perfect date planned out for you, my love."

Helen grinned. However, she had barely reached her boyfriend when a glowing bird came flying toward him as well.

Sirius groaned. "Not now!" he murmured. Dumbledore's phoenix-shaped patronus could only mean one thing: his help was needed at the Order. "Why?"

"What is it, Sirius?" asked Helen, concerned.

"Gotta go to work," sighed Sirius, "even if I'd much rather stay here with you…"

"What?" she asked. "What do you mean, 'work'? C'mon, Sirius, it's Halloween!"

"I know, it sucks, but Dumbledore wouldn't call me unless it were necessary…" trailed off Sirius hopelessly. Why did the Order always have to interrupt?

Helen sighed. "Okay… whatever…"

"I'm really sorry, Hel, you know I am," said Sirius. He truly looked it. "But I can't–"

"I know," cut in Helen, smiling. "That's okay." She closed the distance between them and gave him a short kiss. "Go on and save the day."

He smiled. "Thanks. I'll Floo you tomorrow, okay?"

"'kay," answered the brunette. "Have fun!" she called, as Sirius turned on his motorcycle.

"I wish," muttered Sirius, as he started flying towards Headquarters.

* * *

The Headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix was a shabby old building in Sussex. How it kept itself from falling apart, Sirius had absolutely no idea. Dumbledore had found the place. Sirius supposed it was so run-down and tattered to go unnoticed, but how on earth were people supposed to concentrate inside it when they were afraid it was just going to crumble down and bury them alive?

As soon as Sirius entered the 'meeting room', he was met by a dozen people, his fellow members of the Order. Dumbledore was sitting in his usual chair up front, and seemed to be waiting for him.

"Hello," said Sirius, rather grudgingly, as he took a seat. As much as he knew that his work was important to save the Wizarding World and all, it was still Halloween, for God's sake!

Dumbledore gave him a small smile. "It's nice to see you have received my invitation," he said quietly. "I daresay you would have rather stayed outside in some more… er… enjoyable company?"

Sirius muttered a reply.

The old Professor was no longer smiling. "However, you all must understand how very vital our work is, at the moment."

The handsome young man garbled something that sounded oddly like 'cut the chase and get out of here'. Fabian Prewett, behind him, raised an eyebrow, while Emmeline Vance giggled.

"Yes, Mr. Black, we all want to 'cut the chase and get out of here'." Sirius looked up at once. "At any rate, I have called you all here today because there has been another attack."

Remus Lupin, next to Sirius, looked even more troubled than he usually did, while Peter Pettigrew, on his other side, sank low in his chair. After a few moments of silence, Benji Fenwick spoke up. "How many victims?"

"Twenty-two," answered Dumbledore quietly, as everyone around gasped, "and we have lost traces of another person who should have been amongst them. It happened in a small house in Surrey, a Muggle family was having a Halloween party and the Death Eaters seemed unable to resist such a feast. Luckily a neighbor — a Squib, by the name of Griselda Osborne — spotted the Dark Mark in the sky and recognized it for what it was. She immediately alerted the Ministry, who" Dumbledore stared significantly at Moody "have kindly contacted us as well."

Everyone sat quiet for a moment, mulling over what they had just heard. After some more whispering, Dumbledore stood up to speak again.

"Gideon, Fabian and Benji, I want you all to fly to the place at once before the Obliviators remove the eyewitnesses' memories, and see what you find out by questioning them." The three men nodded and Disapparated at once. "Remus and Sirius, I want you all to speak to this Miss Osborne, I want to know everything she noticed, and ask her if she knew the family and if they had any contacts with other wizards." Remus and Sirius got up as well and got ready to Apparate, as Dumbledore went on assigning jobs.

After two hours of talking with the old lady, he and Remus had not gathered much: she had only just moved to the house — and thus did not know the Muggle family who lived there at all — and had only noticed the Dark Mark in the sky.

"I'm sorry I'm not being very helpful, boys," she said quietly, massaging her temples. "Would you like some more tea?"

"Er," said Remus. Out of pure politeness (he didn't even like tea!), he and Sirius were now on their fourth cup. "Actually, I think Sirius and I–"

"Here," said elderly Miss Osborne, "no need to fuss." And she filled their cups with more tea.

* * *

By the time he'd returned to Headquarters and reported everything they had found out to Dumbledore (that no one should drink more than two cups of tea, for instance), Sirius was feeling rather worn-out. He headed home and threw himself on the couch.

_What a fantastic way to spend Halloween!_ he thought to himself. And to think it was his favorite holiday. And as he thought about how much he liked it, he couldn't help thinking about James as well.

How could he forget, for example, the night of the Halloween feast in his third year when he and Prongs had put a living bat in Lily Evans's plate? She had yelled at them so much that for the next few days she had to communicate waving her arms around.

And how about that time, on the night of Halloween in their sixth year, when always the pair of them had transfigured Snape's head in a huge jack-o-lantern? This time it had been Professor McGonagall doing all the screaming, and, despite the next few evenings spent cleaning manually all the windows on the fifth floor, it had been worth it just for the look on Snape's face as he realized what was going on and for Dumbledore's special twinkle (they were sure he was laughing inwardly, too).

But the best time had definitely been in their seventh year when James and Sirius, cautiously hidden under James's Invisibility Cloak, had attended Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday Party, pretending to be the noble ghost of Sir Lionel de Mimsy-Porpington, Nick's long lost brother. Now, _that_ had been funny. Especially Nick, since he didn't really remember having had a brother at all when he was alive. They had had a great time inventing the most atrocious death for Sir Lionel, though Sirius couldn't honestly remember anymore what the two had come up with.

And the fun didn't stop once they were outside of school. Only last year, when the prophecy had yet to be made, he and James had taken a bottle of De-Aging Potion each, and, now looking like six-year-olds, had gone trick-or-treating around Muggle houses accompanied by a giggling Lily and an incredulous-looking Remus.

Ah, those were the times! It's useless to say how much Sirius missed not being able to joke around with James anymore…

James. As he thought about his best friend, Sirius couldn't help the uneasy feeling that was settling in his stomach. _He's probably fine, teaching Harry how to make jack-o'-lanterns_, he told himself, but he still felt a bit queasy. He decided that checking on Peter wouldn't hurt, anyway.

As he jumped on his motorcycle and headed for Peter's house, the apprehension for James's well-being couldn't help growing. He parked his bike in the driveway and was immediately shocked to find the front door ajar. He peered in.

"Wormtail?" he called out. "Peter, are you in here?"

No one answered. Sirius was afraid Voldemort might have found out of their plan and forced Peter to tell him and yet… yet something felt horribly wrong. There were no signs of a struggle. Nothing.

With his heart positively thumping in his chest, he ran out of the door, flying full-speed to Godric's Hollow. _Please don't let anything have happened to them, please…_ he cried silently as he tore through the skies, hoping to be in time.

From a mile away, he knew he was too late. He could see a Dark Mark hovering somewhere in Godric's Hollow and he knew it was them, as much as he tried to tell himself that maybe it was another house. He accelerated, hoping against hope that he was wrong, that it wasn't James's house on fire like that…

It was. As soon as he got down from his bike, a sight of such devastation met his eyes that he couldn't even think. After a few moment of staring in horror at the burnt-down house in front of him, he shook himself and began running full speed inside. _Don't let them be dead, please don't let them be dead…_

The house was completely destroyed. The furniture had been thrown around (probably in the fight) and the windows were broken. Fire was coming out from the bedroom upstairs. Sirius searched around, and soon saw the one thing his mind was expecting to see and his heart did not want to believe. On the floor of what used to be their living room, James's body was lying spread-eagle with his wand still in his hand. He was dead.

Sirius ran to his side, shaking, with tears coming out of his eyes. "Prongs…" he murmured softly. "What have I done?" he asked loudly, still crying.

Not too far away from James's body Sirius spotted Lily's fiery red hair. She, too, was lying on the floor, clearly dead, and in her arms she was holding…

"Paddy!" cried a voice.

Sirius jumped. Could it be possible — could it be humanly possible — that Harry had somehow survived this? And, as the little boy cooed again, Sirius realized that he was not hearing things. James and Lily were dead, but Harry was alive.

He immediately picked up the baby, trying to calm him down as he had now started crying, and he noticed a peculiar-looking scar on his forehead. He was too shocked, however, to understand what it meant. He didn't know how long he'd stayed there, cooing and hugging the baby, hardly daring to believe that his best friend was gone. And it was his fault.

Some time later, Hagrid had appeared, with orders from Dumbledore to take Harry to his Aunt and Uncle. Sirius offered him his bike. He really didn't feel like looking at it any longer: he'd bought it with James, and now he didn't want to be near it anymore. He didn't want to be near anyone, either, at the moment, except one person: Peter. He was going to have to pay for what he'd done.

Sirius didn't honestly remember what had happened in the next few days. He vaguely recalled that day when he had finally cornered Peter, only to be outwitted by him again, and be taken off here, where he knew he deserved to be. If he hadn't been so stupid to switch! He was the one who had convinced James, and his 'brilliant plan' had now resulted to the death of the two people he cared about the most.

As he mulled over this memory, he found himself talking to James, even if he knew he probably couldn't hear him.

"James," he said loudly, "wherever you are, if you can hear me, for once in your life pay attention.

"I swear to you that I will find Peter. I will hunt him down and I will avenge your death. I promise you that I will not rest till I kill him.

"I'm sorry for what I've done to you and to Lily and to Harry… I know I deserve all the pain I'm going through because I've let you down… I killed you with my own two hands.

"I swear that before we see each other again, I will have fulfilled my mission. I miss you so much, James, and I swear I'll make him pay.

"We will see each other again, no doubt, after Peter, too, will have suffered for what he's done.

"Till then… Goodbye, James."

The next day he broke out of Azkaban, ready to keep his word.

THE END  



End file.
